An Apple

     Quite honestly friends, there are seasons when I battle negative thoughts - don't like them and definitely don't invite them in for a visit but they seem to arrive anyway - uninvited and unwelcome.

      Lately I have found myself feeling a bit like this...............

     
     You know the feeling - wondering what's next, what else do you have left to give, how on earth can you be of service to anyone - all the "good years" are gone..........

     All the days spent living and loving and sharing and serving and caring have taken a "bite" - bites given willingly to be sure and most definitely each one of them would be offered again - and the desire remains to continue to give and love and share and care. Yet there does not appear to be much left - certainly not the "best" part - that part seems to be gone.

     This is not a feeling reserved for "age". It can happen at anytime and it shouts silently to the soul saying "You're done; there's nothing left for you; why bother to even try; nothing's going to change".  And sometimes the shouting is so loud you are tempted to believe it just so it will shut up and leave you alone.

     But then hope comes and whispers "You are the apple of my eye". The Father's word comes into a tired heart and says "He who touches you touches the apple of my eye" (Zechariah 2:8)

     How I loved being the apple of my husband's eye - after his relationship with Jesus I was his number one priority and I miss that so much these days. I grieve the knowing that I no longer have that status.

     Yet there is that voice that whispers in the night - bringing hope - bringing a mirror with a different image .................

    
     God wants me to see myself as He sees me - the apple of His eye - whole and full and lovely and delightful - not used up, not done, not useless. He wants me to know that there is hope, there is a future, there is still sharing and caring and loving and serving to be done.

     It is true sadly that I am no longer the apple of my husband's eye, for his eye now beholds wonders beyond belief in his new heavenly home; however, I am still the apple of God's eye - as I have always been and always will be - as are you dear one - be at peace this night and know you are loved so very, very much.

Towards The Light

How about this picture...........

Isn't it beautiful........

     Knowing my affinity towards butterflies my facebook friends frequently send me ones they find. A dear one sent me this one today.

     I have always loved butterflies and during this last year they have become more meaningful to me as a representation of hope and new beginnings and promise. A butterfly must endure the cocoon to become what it is meant to be. What it once was must undergo a transformation and re-doing - sometimes a long process. I have read that there are some who stay in the cocoon for an entire season until the weather is suitable for them to emerge.

    If their cocoon is anything like the "cocoon of grief" then it is a dark lonely place. It is quiet, oh so very quiet. It is confusing and unsettling and it seems endless. Yet they endure for they know instinctively that to be what they were meant to be the process is necessary.

     We all must endure "cocoons" of various kinds during our lives - a time when God calls us apart to re-shape, re-form, re-group to get ready to fly again.

     I have gone through many such cocoons and each time I have emerged different - yet stronger. This cocoon, however, is by far the hardest of them all. It is dark here, it is lonely here, it is quiet here, it is confusing here. Everything I once was is changing and being re-shaped and re-formed. Yet I know that if I am to survive - and survive I will - I must undergo this process called grief that God has called me to.

     I will emerge - I will fly - I will be the same but different as well - I will be strong - because I have the Light - the Light that is Hope.

     Just as my sisters in sorrow have gone before me and flown towards the light I will arise and shine and fly towards the light as well. They lead the way for me and the others who will come behind me that are still waiting in the darkness. We will survive because we know the Light is there waiting for us, calling us and guiding us.

     Do you see in the picture that there are different sizes of butterflies? - that is the artist's way of letting us know that the smaller ones are not actually smaller in size but have flown a bit farther and have moved closer to the light - the Light of grace, of mercy, of healing of HOPE.

     At times I want to rush through this cocoon and be free of it - then God speaks to me gently and says "Be patient little one. I have a plan". So I wait - knowing that the Light will always be there waiting for me to arise and awake to new beginnings and His promises.

     The Light is there for you as well dear one - waiting until you are ready. Be at peace this night and know He loves you so.

    

    

Tears and Roses

This was posted on Facebook today:

Which prompted me to tell you this story:

     Knowing my love for roses my husband took great pride and much joy in planting rose bushes in our yard. Most of them have survived the harsh Midwest winters and have always been a source of comfort to me over the years - even more so now that he is no longer here with me.

     About 8 or 10 years ago he decided I needed to have a red climbing rose. He built a trellis by the garage and sought out the bush - he planted it as he did all the others and we waited expectantly for it to bloom. Two years passed and the bush did not produce one bloom - not even a bud. Still we waited - still nothing. We dug around it, fertilized it, pruned it - still nothing. Year after year this bush would produce abundant, healthy green trailers - but no blooms. After he became too ill to care for the yard that rose bush's failure to bloom was pretty much forgotten but I did note that it continued to produce it's yearly crop of green.

     Last summer I had a worker do some pruning and general yard clean up and instructed him to cut the bush back to the ground  with the thought that eventually it might have to be dug out and the space given over to something else.

     A year passed after his passing and I marked the date with a post here on the blog titled NOW WHAT. Of course, there were tears on that day yet I was filled with hope and trust in a loving God who only has the best intentions towards His daughter. Two days later I went out into the yard and spotted a splash of bright red and saw this -

     Yes - it is the rose bush - the one that had failed to bloom for so many years - full of breathtakingly beautiful red roses! A gift to me straight from God's own hand - He did it just for me - no other person lives in this house and no other person sees that rose bush - just me.............

     Last night I went to the Father in prayer and simply asked Him to help me tell the hurting of His love for them - I asked Him to use me and give me the ability to relay how much He loves each of His hurting children and that His love will heal the pain.

     These are the lyrics from a song by Keith Whitley called "Til Each Tear Becomes A Rose". Imagine please that God Himself is speaking these words to you as you read this .....

Darling, I can see the clouds around you

And in your heart I know a sorrow grows

But, if you weep I'll be right here to hold you

'Til each tear you cry becomes a rose.

Dearest love I know your heart is shattered

And all my words can offer no relief

But my love will heal the pain you've suffered

And I'll be here if you should turn to me







    Turn to Him this night with your pain and your shattered heart in the midst of the clouds around you. Give Him your tears and let Him hold you - Til Each Tear Becomes A Rose - for He loves you so.........