Thursday, August 30, 2012
Just a Note...
How are ya? Silly question huh - you my beloved are just fine aren't ya! Been feeling a little down today for various reasons - wondering how to "fix" it and realized I could "write" one of "those" letters to you,
I hope you don't mind if this time I allow some "friends" to look over my shoulder as I do so - they are most special ladies. I've never met them but we are as close as if they lived next door. They are my Facebook widow sisters. I know that you "know" them because I am sure by now you have met their husbands and you are all perhaps sharing notes. Really, though, I don't know what is going on where you are - but I know for sure WHERE you are!
You know I have told many people that I was prepared for you to die (yes I use "that" word now for it is the truth - I didn't lose you - I know where you are) but I was not at all prepared for how to live after you died (ugh, there's that word again). This life as a widow is so strange, some days are not so bad especially now that 14 months have passed. It's not at all like it was those first few months when I was in what I have come to understand is a "widow's fog" - that term is not in the dictionary yet - but it should be.
I made a major decision last week and decided to switch cable companies - probably not a major decision for all the neighbors who did it before me - but for some reason I wavered back and forth with it. Now that I have done it I think I made the right move - but I gotta be honest with you - it would have been so much better to hear you say "Just do it".
I'm doing ok with the bill paying and the basic house upkeep, although there are some things that are giving me some anxiety. I am so glad you showed me how to use the snow blower and all the other things you showed me in those last years we were together. We were fortunate that we had some time to do all of that. I have come to realize that the difficult things that happen would probably still happen if you were still here with me, however, I do believe they might be easier to deal with if you were here. But - you are not - you are THERE. You made it! - and even though I grieve over your physical absence in my life I rejoice in knowing that YOU ARE THERE!
However, that being said I still remain here behind in this strange new world - I am still me - I wear the same clothes, drive the same car, sleep in the same bed, live in the same house - with all of those things being the same how can my life be so entirely different........
"Lonely" is a new word in my life these days - its a constant struggle - but, there again, I am learning how to navigate through the nights and the days without you - which is exactly what you expected me to do isn't it?
Tonight our daughter came by to pick up your table saw and the chop saw and a few other things. She has been gradually taking your tools and setting them up at her place. Oh, my beloved the things she is making out of wood make me smile. She is every bit as talented as you were - such joy I have in seeing your abilities live on in her! One of her last comments on the way out the door was that she needed to go eat because she was getting cranky and we had a little giggle because that is another one of those things she inherited from you - the need to be fed on a really regular basis! I am wondering if there is food in heaven - probably not because you don't really need it - but if there were you would be having biscuits and gravy every day - and with no worries about calories or cholesterol!
I shed a few tears after she left tonight because it suddenly hit me that this will be the first time in 25 years that I have not lived in a house with a table saw as part of the equipment - but I am getting through it - and that's the key word I have found in this strange journey "through". Just as you have traveled "through" the gap between life and death I must travel through to the next thing that God has planned for me. I don't know what that is yet - but I know He has plans for me and I must admit I get just a wee bit irked when I think that you might know what they are and I don't - but you know how I am about wanting to "know it all" don't you!
I started this blog and it has been incredibly healing for me - I so enjoy writing and putting my thoughts on "paper". Decided to keep working for now, although I believe there is "something else" out there for me and when God is ready He will show me.
And, as you know, our God has been right there for me every step of the way. He has never left me nor forsaken me and has guided me and provided for me daily. I admit there are times when I fret about the future alone - but I make myself remember how He cared for us over the years and especially how He cared for you in your last months and the gift He gave both of us in calling you home as you slept and then I can settle down a bit - for my life is in His hands and there is no better place for it to be.
So my dear YOU ARE THERE and I am here and for now I will be at peace for that is God's plan for us - your love remains in my heart and in my life - and always will - whether the table saw is here or not.
Love ya babe!
I feel better now - be at peace this night dear ones - for He loves you so.......