Honestly.......

...........this is where I have been for a while ......

with the exception that it hasn't been as cute as this little guy..........

Quite frankly, it's been rather ugly - these thoughts I have been having about my present state - this "state" of widowhood that is not anywhere on the map but I still find myself living here.

Then - I had one of these...........

What if I shared it all with God - I mean really shared it with Him - what would happen?

What if I told Him:
         How much I hated being alone
         How tired I was of hearing "hold on"
         How weary I was of waiting for the promised beauty for ashes
         How frustrated I was with being stuck in this thing called grief
         How afraid I was for the future which only holds one word "alone"
         How hard I am struggling with the reality of Him being my husband now
         How angry I become when I feel cheated and left behind alone

What if I did tell Him all of that.....

I just did - didn't I - I didn't get struck by lightening - I am still breathing and typing and hoping........

Yes, through it all I have been given the gift of hope - steadfast hope in Him - the one who has the plan and is daily working it together - such a wonderful gift - this hope He gives me daily.

He gently leads me to Lamentations 3 once again - I will never forget this awful time as I grieve over my loss - yet I still dare to hope.....

I still dare to hope:
        Hope that there will be relief for "alone"
        Hope that I will be able to "hold on"
        Hope that I will receive the beauty for ashes
        Hope that I will get "through" the grief
        Hope that the future holds promise and all good things
        Hope that I will lean in and learn how to have Him as my husband
        Hope that my anger will be soothed by His loving caress

And with the hope comes faith - faith in the God who loves me - the God who knows His plans for me - the God who will sustain me in this and through this - day by day His mercies are new for me - beckoning me to trust and believe and rest in Him.

And so to Him I now say this......

I don't just say it - I shout it -

        Yes, I will trust, I will believe, I will hope. I will keep seeking You in all things. I will keep going, letting You lead me. I will gratefully accept Your gift of new mercies every morning and Your steadfast love.

         Yes I will - even though there are days when I don't feel like it - I still will......... but only if You help me - because without You I can't even begin to think about taking another step in this state of widowhood.

         And so, I stand corrected - it's ok to "say it" to God - even when it isn't "nice" - because He knows it all - even the "not nice".

         Be at peace tonight dear ones - give it all to Him - for He loves you so.........