Four....

Happy Heaven Day my love!

Here it is - number four. I turned off the lights as we always did for candle lighting in days past, and lit the candle. Its soft glow filled the room as I sang the song. When I got to the place where I sang your name my voice wavered a bit and I had to push to continue. I realized then that it's been a long, long time since I've said your name out loud. I've thought it and typed it and when speaking about you with our daughter your name is "Dad". So, this coming year I plan on speaking your name aloud more often.

It's been a good day here at our corner house. The roses you planted for me are beginning to green out  and all the lilacs are finishing up. And, of course, the hedge is growing! But this year I have a cordless trimmer and I fully intend to get at that thing next week!

Since I decided last year to re-name this day "Happy Heaven Day" I have not had the usual dread about its approach that was present in years past. Things are beginning to level out a bit as I get used to living this single life. It certainly is not one I would have chosen, but it is the one that I have been given. It has taken some time to realize I am living as one person now because you are still so much a part of my life. Getting accustomed to doing things alone takes some time and I haven't mastered it yet.

The word "alone" is still so prevalent in my daily life. My love, I am so glad you are not the one going through this. Most of the days are ok now; but the evenings still present challenges. I sometimes will leave all my "busy" work to do in the evening hours, so they will pass more quickly.
For now it's a good way to cope.

Did our beloved dog find you? I had to send her on her way a few months ago. That was so hard to do. But, it was time and I had to let go.

Now it's God and me and Isabelle kitty in the corner house - and my memories. For so long my only memories where of the last year of our life together. Now I am able to go back to happier days and smile. I treasure those memories and I thank you for them my love.

God has been faithful. Since that night four years ago when He called your name and said "It's time", He has gently led me and tended to me. And I know He will continue to lead and guide in the days ahead.

And now at year four I can say healing is coming. Oh yes, there are still some tears, and I struggle with loneliness. But as I get stronger I find the tears and loneliness are easier to endure. God's sustaining grace has indeed been sufficient.

So, as darkness falls on this day I will say goodnight my love. We will see each other again when it is time. Until then I will hold you in my heart and remember that "Love Remains".