This is my journal...........
I have kept a journal faithfully for most of my adult life. This one is a bit more special than the ones before because it holds the days of my sorrow, my tears stain some of the pages and there are many things written within that will not be read (hopefully) until I have gone home to be with Jesus.
It is also special because it was a gift from my beloved a few years ago. Little did either of us know that I would be using his thoughtful gift to record the most difficult days of my life.
Tonight I will take a risk and let you "peek" inside it to an evening in September 2011. I had been a widow for about four months and life was bleak to say the least. After reading Psalm 16 and listening to a favorite song by the St. Louis Jesuits titled "For You Are My God, You Alone Are My Joy", I wrote this;
For You are my God - You alone are my joy - defend me oh Lord.
You are my God - all that I have when I awake alone in the darkness of night.
You are all I have, for there is no longer one beside me.
In the morning when the sun comes and I pour coffee for only one, You are all I have.
There are too many never used cups on the shelf now.
When the day's work is done and I enter an empty, quiet house You are all I have.
The quiet screams back at me the never again sound of his voice saying "Hi! How was
As darkness falls and I sit in his chair eating dinner alone You are all I have.
You alone are all I have. You alone are my joy.
Defend me Oh Lord as I go into this life alone.
. Defend me Oh Lord from the loneliness that batters me from all sides.
Defend me Oh Lord from the desire to give up and the need to give in to hopelessnesss that stalks me
Defend me Oh Lord from the anger that wells up inside of me,
Defend me Oh Lord from a heart that wishes to give into bitterness and despair.
Defend me Oh Lord from those who have no heart for my pain.
Defend me Oh Lord from my vision of the future holding nothing but empty lonely days.
You alone are my joy. Defend me Oh Lord.
Now 16 months later after writing that prayer I can look back and say - He has.
Yes, I still wake alone, I still eat alone, I still battle thoughts of a dismal future - but He is God - and yes He is all I have - and YES He has defended me through each of these last days and nights. And He will continue to do so - gently guiding me, protecting me, loving me and standing strong round about me defending me from all "those things" - For you see HE IS MY GOD - HE ALONE IS MY JOY.
And with that I have peace,
Be at peace this night dear one - for He loves you so,